Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Trouble in Paradise

David and I are much, much better than we were. I am stabilizing somewhat, he is stabilizing somewhat, we are beginning to enjoy each other's company again. But still, when I think about how I felt about him in our first year together, compared to how I feel about him now, it makes me sad. I love him, of course I love him, but gone is that feeling I once had, beaten to death by the twin clubs of Pregnancy and Depression. 

It doesn't feel like I thought it would when I finally found the one I was meant to be with. I thought it would feel like freedom, like an exhale, like winning the lottery. Instead it feels like struggle, like a sigh, like walking a long distance. I don't mind walking, but where am I going? When will I get to rest?

I guess I always wanted to be with someone who I felt was out of my league. And the brilliant thing about it would be that he would think that I was out of his league at the same time. So we would both feel like we'd gotten lucky. With David I am perfectly matched - In that he is my equal in every way. In strengths, and in weaknesses. He is no better than me. But he is no worse. It's like the gods playing a joke. You think you're so great? Here, try living with yourself. Ha! In my fantasy The One was always better than me, but somehow he would see something in me, a diamond in the rough, and that would make me better.

But it's a double-edged sword, isn't it. Because what I loved most about David from the beginning was that I felt like I had known him forever, and that I felt like I could show him the most humiliating bits about myself and he would never laugh at me, and never judge me, and never think less of me. He felt like a long lost friend, and the most intimate of lovers, all at the same time. My, but it was bliss! Because the truth is, if you're with someone you think is better than you, the reality is different than the fantasy. Because the reality means you are always insecure, and when you are insecure, you can never be your true self. And with David, the one thing I am is my true self. 

Unfortunately, my true self is not always the best version of myself. And again, in my fantasy, with The One I would ALWAYS be the best version of myself, he would bring it out in me, the best of who I am. David has done that, certainly, but he has also brought out the absolute worst. And generally, when the absolute worst in me comes out, I move on. Because then I can be the best version of myself with someone else, at least for a little while, until the bad stuff comes out again.

I talk myself in circles, I know it. I need to start a new blog, one that deals with all these questions, with what True Love is for someone like me, someone who is, in the end, desperately difficult. I have a feeling that what I will discover is that True Love is simply one thing: Staying.