The other night I was at a party, sitting around a huge glass table drinking wine and talking about the things you talk about at parties like that, when we started talking about religion. My friend Maya made some joke about me being a Jesus Freak, and without thinking, I blurted out "ex-Jesus Freak." The minute the words were out of my mouth, I felt the most horrible sense of shame. After all, these are my private, painful musings, not meant to be made into a public joke; after all, this is Jesus we are talking about, to whom my entire life was dedicated for so long; after all, I am still my mother's daughter.
So the question remains, what do I really think? Who is it that I am becoming, what leg does she have to stand on? My search seems much more frantic from the pages of this website; the truth is I am more than stalled. I wrestle constantly with converting to Judaism, even still, but mostly I manage to keep that urge quiet. As for Christianity, I try not even to think about it anymore. There are no answers that satisfy me. Instead I fill up my days with distractions, until some comment at some party jolts me back into the middle of whatever inner conflict it is that I am successfully ignoring most of the time.
But today is gorgeous and the sun is shining, and my only odd urge is to write. I want to grab a pen and a notebook and sit in the sun in the old city somewhere and make up some people who understand me, give somebody life--you know, be God for a little bit, make things right.
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6 comments:
Mark 8: 34 - 38
It's amazing that when someone struggles with their faith, others feel the need to offer verses that try to make them feel worse about themselves. I have always found that shaming and guilting people back into the fold is the best way to go.
Since when did scripture become a way to shame someone or make someone feel worse about themself? Jesus didn't come to hit people over the head with his words. He came to show us the way to God and to show us the heart of God. The above words come directly from him. He did not say these things to be mean or nasty. He came to tell the truth.
If someone is struggling with their Christian faith, it seems to me that quoting biblical verses might not be the best way to go about reconciling that struggle. Just as to offer Quiranic verses to someone struggling with their Muslim faith is probably not a good solution, either.
Beyond that, the biblical verses that "question" offered as (apparently) solace are a bit harsh. The gist of them seem to be "believe in Jesus, or lose your soul." So many choices!
When someone is struggling and you personally believe that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life...and if you genuinely love that person...you would want to share with them the Truth. It is not out of hate or anger. It is not because I ever wanted to shame or to bring a guilt trip on Becky. It is because when you love someone the way I love Becky, you want to throw them a life raft when they are drowning.
Becky, do you feel worse about yourself because a quote from Jesus was written down? Have I shamed you or made you feel guilty? If so, I apologize. The verse was given in love, only.
Religion, Jesus, God, all of it, all of it,all of it, does so much to separate people and spread animosity and anger and death. How can you search for meaning in books that others have continually found justification for extreme evil towards others. If it's not one group of people, wait a while and they'll search the verses and meditate until a supreme inspiration tells them whom to hate. Then, 50 years later they'll decide they were wrong, and amend the interpretation. If you haven't been the aim of religious hate, you might have been in the past, or may be in the future.
Do you feel damned? Because, somebody somewhere thinks you are. And maybe they're right and maybe you're wrong, and maybe quite possibly we'll continue killing each other over an interpretation of a god that may not even exist. But, I suppose if everyone feels so strongly, well then, carry on.
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