Thursday, October 22, 2009

Decisions are the worst.

Choice makes me crazy. I personally believe it makes all of us crazy, but me especially. I have a love/hate relationship with choice actually. Because I'm American, and if I didn't have choices I would feel as if I were being denied something essential to freedom. Part of me loves endless options and equates it with grandiose ideals like the pursuit of happiness and the ability to create the life I want. But the other part of me--the neurotic, indecisive part--can never get over the fact that once I've actually waded through all the options and made a choice, maybe--in fact, probably--I've made the wrong one. Maybe I was too hasty! Maybe there was something better!

This is true of nearly everything in my life: from the tiny (the paint color in my kitchen, the name of my blog, the gym I joined) to the enormous (my major in college, my chosen career, the house I live in). So difficult are these choices that until now I have never put roots anywhere, flitting from place to place every two years, safe in the knowledge that I could always pull up my feet and choose differently should I feel the need. In fact, I have never been truly committed to anything (or anyone, really, but that is a different post altogether).

When I am sick, (and I use that word to denote my mental state, i.e. depressed or anxious) the problem of choice reaches ludicrous proportions. Last night I got my invitation to Google Voice, the service that allows you one number for the rest of your life, (meaning you can link whatever cell phone, work number, or home number you have even if they change over the years), and the process of choosing said number was long, arduous, and still destined for regret. I spent an hour thinking about it, another hour searching, another hour choosing, and the rest of the night regretting my choice. I mean, this is my number FOR LIFE! It has to be good! It has to be me! Even now I keep wondering if I can change it. But what would I change it to?

The same goes for my house. I spent a lot of time decorating it, haven't even finished, and already I want to change it all. I am torn between a colorful, bohemian style--eclectic, thrift store furniture, funky art, and lots of texture--and a minimalistic, modern style--neutrals with pops of color, clean-lined furniture, and no clutter. One makes me feel warm, cozy, and creative, the other makes me feel relaxed, clear-headed, and energized. At the moment my house can't seem to decide which one it wants to be, and as a result, negotiations have stalled and it just stays as is, half-finished. Living in a half-finished state makes me more depressed, which in turn makes me more indecisive, and on and on in one of those vicious little cycles. It's no good, I tell you. No good at all! I am stalled. More than a little stagnant. And unable to choose a way out. Help me!

P.S. I love Halloween. LOVE it. Have changed blog accordingly. What do you think of my Rubick's cube costume, lovingly made by my super-creative mother?


Kendra said...

That costume is amazing. I am ultra-proud to have made a passable Batman cape for my 6-year-old. I will totally never be the mom who cam turn a cardboard box into an incredible costume.

And I hear you on the decisions. I think sometimes that's why my husband and I get along: I am paralyzed by most decisions, and he likes to be in charge of most things. Of course, all hell breaks loose when I suddenly decide that the bathroom has to be yellow or I will lose it (especially because I will then be paralyzed by the sheer number of shades of yellow), but for the most part it works. Good luck with the house. Fortunately it doesn't really matter what style I'd like, because the one we have is "kids live here and this is what we can afford."

Aunt Becky said...

I make decisions fairly easily, usually I'm the one who has to make them for the family. I don't WANT that responsibility mind you, but that's the position I was put into and I guess that's what I'm "supposed" to do.

I've been thinking about all of the choices and how I've ended up where I am. Thinking hard about those.

onefjef said...

(watch it all)

Maggie May said...

Love that picture in your header!

Great blog. :)

Jef said...

That made me feel old, and somewhat inconsequential.