Sunday, October 17, 2004


First day of classes. But never mind. It's all a blur to me, feeling now so acutely that odd sense of panic I used to be so accustomed to. It's just a small thing. A pea beneath a hundred mattresses kind of thing. But there nonetheless. It's like the smallest, barely detectable layer right underneath my skin: it says nothing but negative words--loss, wrong, never. I don't know what I feel, except that I feel alone again. This is not something I entirely reject. Being alone is an amazing opportunity for growth. It's just that I was hoping my days of being alone were coming to an end, and yet it seems that God is intent on wringing me dry forever.

Whatever it takes to need him alone, I suppose. Only: am I this strong that I need this kind of desperation?

1 comment:

margot said...

Hey Becky,

You are not alone. You have so many people in your life. And I dont think God is causing you to feel alone, to make you closer to him, I think it's anxiety talking. That's just my opinion, others may disagree. For a long time I thought that God would do something horrible to me to me or someone I loved, because I was so far from him all the time. Like in some way this would miraculously draw me closer to God. But I dont think that's how God works, and interestingly enough, it was the bad times in my life, where I felt the further from God. Ok, I am rambling, but my hope was to tell you that these are your anxietied talking. Dont worry about why you think you are single, use this time to continue to feel comfortable in your own skin, and to have adventures. In a lot of ways I am envious of you, you are so adventurous and carefree, and you will not feel any regret if and when you eventually "settle down" (and I mean here if you pick a place and stay there, not if you get married), because you take advantages of your opportunities. I used to think you were crazy for always running off somewhere new, but now I admire you. When thoughts of anxiety come in, recognize them for what they are. You are a strong person, and God isn't taking things away from you to prove this. I hope school goes well this week!

Love you