Monday, May 09, 2005

Cracking up slowly

I failed a test today, for the first time since high school.  I am not in a good state.  The combination of stressing out over school, preparing to leave the country that I love, and uncertainty over the future has me teetering on the edge of fear and panic.  And things with Dave being so precarious at the moment has pushed me dangerously close to despair.  (That's a lie.  I am right smack in the middle of despair.) The result of all of these little messes is that I can't sleep, can barely eat, and certainly can't concentrate on school. 

So I failed my Arabic test.  Last night I remember thinking: I should study for this test.  I really, honestly should.  And then I remember thinking: I don't have one ounce of strength left.  I had to leave my apartment, get out, see people.  I was on the way into town when Dave called, and he was near my apartment, but I'd already left, and that knocked the wind out of me even more.  I tried to play it cool, but I don't know how to play it anymore.

And then this morning I was staring at this test, and I couldn't make myself care about it at all.  I left most of it blank, and half-heartedly filled in the rest.  I am alternating between an eerie numbness and the sudden inability to keep myself from crying.  Not good.


sangeeta said...

i am thinking about you and praying for you. you can and will make it through this. you always do.
email me so we can chat more and i can give you my home phone so we can talk.
i love you.

E. said...

I think I know those feelings - and I'm sorry that you have to experience them too. Maybe they are part of adjusting to adulthood? I remember you saying at New Year's that this year would have an aweful start and then would be fabulous by the end. Are you looking towards the fabulous end of the year?

The uncertainty of tomorrow can always bring fear and panic but each day we can try to balance it by knowing that we can make tomorrow better. And while we may not know what will come tomorrow, it will bring a new adventure that can only stand to make you more facinating and interesting!

My best and love to you-

kati said...

i talked to sangeeta online today bizarrely and unexpectedly, and we talked about how sad i was and how confused we were that you weren't responding to us even though we want to talk to you...maybe this is why? i'm not sure if it makes any difference to you that i know completely how you feel. maybe if we talked i could prove to you that this is true? at any rate, i wish you weren't going through this. you know what it feels like? did you ever read a wrinkle in time? (of course you did...) it feels like our hearts have suddenly gotten accidentally transported to a 2-dimensional planet. they are crushed and can't work properly and can't expand and hurt with physical pain and we can't figure out how to get the hell off of that planet.

well, i know how to get off. but even if i get it together enough to blast off, my heart is still going to be really freaking sore for a long time. and possibly forget how to work correctly for a while.

does it mean anything to you that i am in pain like you are? i don't know why the desire to relate is so strong in me for you. maybe i think it'll help you want to talk to me. i love you.

Jef said...