Thursday, March 25, 2004

Do I have a sleep disorder?

So I'm still having nightmares every night. I have no idea why. They're not necessarily scary nightmares, but I'm always feeling some sort of negative emotion: fear, worry, anger, stress. I'm always in a situation over which I have no control, and I am always powerless, usually alone. It's horrible--mainly because I don't ever feel rested. I wake up remembering vividly all these dreams I had during the night, and I feel like I ran a few miles, not like I just woke up. Which means that I'm always tired.

And here's the strangest part: one of the results of this anomaly is that I still have to take a nap during the day, even if I slept eight hours, because I just can't make it. And, when I take these naps during the day, the dreams are even worse. I don't know how to explain it except to say that I don't quite fall all the way asleep. In my dream, I wake up in my bed, but I can't move my body. I am paralyzed. I want to reach over and see what time it is, but I can't move. And then, when I do manage to get out of bed, my movements are sluggish and take all this energy. Then suddenly I'm back in my bed where I started, and the whole process starts over again. I also really wake up several times, and have the same problem: I can't move. And yet I know that this time that I am actually awake, and that I am too tired too move. So I drift in and out of consciousness, experiencing varying degrees of paralysis, until finally I wake up and I'm breathing in these huge hysterical gulps, which is pretty frightening.

Okay, that last part only happened today and is not a regular occurance, but it's still odd. And the rest of my day is colored by it--suddenly I feel a bit surreal, a little out of place, off-kilter, what have you. And more tired than ever. Yuck.

There is more to write about, but I am exhausted, and think I shall sit upon my couch and do nothing for a while.


Liz Muia said...


I've read every word on your blog since you posted the address to Kris and Brianna's website. It's fascinating and gives me a totally new perspective on the situation.

I think you're incredibly brave and wise to study religion if you're having small doubts about what you believe. Please try not to close off what you're learning just because it may conflict with what you grew up with. You may end up stronger in your faith, or you may decide that something else, or nothing, is right for you. At least you will know that you made the decision based on all the knowledge and thought available to you.

Please stay safe while you're at the source of much of the world's wisdom, but also much of its ignorance and violence. I know you can help make it a better place. Above all, have fun and learn a lot!

Liz Muia

Grandme said...

Hi,Becky. I imagine that almost everyone living where you are is experiencing anxiety right now, maybe not the same wasy you are, but in some way. That is a stressful part of the world at any time, but particularly so now that it has affected your neighborhood. I think you are experiencing some depression too. No wonder!! Just continue to be careful. I am asking God to watch over you and protect you every day and I know that many others are too. Wish you were home but summer will soon be here and you will be.
We have a lot to look forward to then. Love, GM

Becky said...

Grandma, if you're reading this, just know that it means so much to me that you read this silly blog of mine every day, and that you're praying for me! Love you and see you soon!
Your (third oldest) grandchild